I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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