When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
