They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
