I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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