I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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