don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
