Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
