Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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