if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
