I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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