i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
FUCK WHALES
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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