Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
How naked do you want me to be?
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