When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Randomize
