So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
