Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
bring money and cleavage
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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