the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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