Im at strip club and am horny
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
