I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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