I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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