i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
