someone owes me an orgasm
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
