so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
