just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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