return my video game
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
