You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
