i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize
