god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
