ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
