By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
