How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize
