You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
