You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize