We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
