Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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