I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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