My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
