i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
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