I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
