Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
