I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
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The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
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I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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