dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
