I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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