I accidentally had phone sex last night
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
