last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
