just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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