Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
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My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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