I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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