I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
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My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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