Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
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My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
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