I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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