Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
