I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
