There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Randomize
