Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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