I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
