Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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