I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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